I'm pants shitting drunk right now
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
