my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
