mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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