Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
