im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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