btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
it hurts more in the daytime
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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