my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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