i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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