My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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