My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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