I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
