My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Randomize
