I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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