you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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