you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
