Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
