i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
