Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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