Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
God, I missed his penis.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
