it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
