I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
The uberlube is also flammable
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
