She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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