Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
