Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
thus making me awesome and them whores
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
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