I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
