Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Your dad touched me again.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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