I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
