Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
