Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
