glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I intend to get homeless drunk
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
