Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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