i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I intend to get homeless drunk
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
