The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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