The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
