dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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