I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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