I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
