Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
