Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
