I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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