There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
