Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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