I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize