dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Randomize
