tell your sister to shave her snatch
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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