Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
