don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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