She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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