How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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