...so i touched it.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
this is an emotional support booty call
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
