Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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