I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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