sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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