i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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