dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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