No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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