if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
